A couple years ago, BYU basketball player Jimmer Fredette captivated the college hoops world with his uncanny ability to score, doing things no one had seen since Pistol Pete Marovich played at LSU. His skills even prompted me to compare Jimmer Fredette to Ender Wiggin. Here's what I wrote:
The similarities between Ender Wiggin at the International Fleet Battle School and beyond and BYU basketball star Jimmer Fredette are uncanny. I'm beginning to think they're related or even the same person:
- Ender Wiggin's mom is a Mormon. Jimmer Fredette's mom is a Mormon.
- Ender Wiggin killed Stilson with a kick to the chest and a kick to the groin. Jimmer Fredette killed many team's chances of winning with a crossover dribble and thirty-foot jump shot.
- Ender Wiggin has done things at Battle School that nobody's ever seen before. Jimmer Fredette has done things on the basketball court nobody's ever seen before.
- Ender Wiggin has a brother who bullied him, skinned and tortured squirrels, and tried to take over the world. Jimmer Fredette has a brother (T.J.) who forced him to dribble down dark hallways while teammates opened doors to try and steal the ball from him, tortures the rest of the world with his rap music, and wishes to take over the music world.
- Ender Wiggin's brother gravy trained off Ender's success in war to become leader of the Hegemon. T.J. Fredette has gravy trained off Jimmer's success on the basketball court (although it can be argued that T.J. has played a major role in Jimmer's success where as Peter Wiggin is a complete douchebag).
- Ender Wiggin broke Bernard's arm while traveling to space camp. Jimmer Fredette has broken several ankles with his crossover.
- Ender Wiggin destroyed an entire race of aliens. Jimmer Fredette has destroyed the morale of anyone who's tried to defend him.
- Ender Wiggin was trained by Mazer Rackham, hero of the first Bugger invasion. Jimmer Fredette is coached by Dave Rose, co-captain of the 1983 Houston Cougars who made it to the NCAA finals.
- Ender Wiggin's biggest enemy was Bonzo de Madrid who ended up dead and naked on the shower floor after picking a fight with Wiggin. Jimmer Fredette's biggest enemy was Tre'von Willis who ended up metaphorically dead after Jimmer lit him up for 39 (I'm a huge UNLV fan so that hurt me to write, but the truth must be told).
- One of Ender Wiggin's teammates, Petra Arkanian, lost her edge, causing the deaths of several starfighter pilots, and had to be removed from command. One of Jimmer's teammates, Brandon Davies, broke the BYU honor code and had to be removed from the team.
- Even Ender's most entrenched haters become his admirers. Even Jimmer Fredette's most entrenched haters (me, for example) have become his admirers.
News today, however, that Jimmer Fredette is being released by the Sacramento Kings led me to some more in depth thinking.
The Sacramento Kings are the Salamander Army of the NBA. They drafted an Ender Wiggin-like talent, misused him, and are now dumping him. That would, of course, make Sacramento GM Pete D'Allesandro the Bonzo Madrid of the NBA. As long as Pete doesn't decide to fight Fredette in a shower naked, he should be OK.
I know what you're wondering now? Which team will be Rat Army and pick him up. Chicago and Cleveland look to be the front runner. Cleveland would be the better choice for this ridiculous analogy because their coach Mike Brown is incompetent and would make a great Rose de Nose. All we need is a player behind the scenes nagging the front office so we can have a Dink Meeker. I'm hoping it's Kyrie Irving.
One more Mike Brown/Bonzo Madrid connection: Bonzo Madrid had on his team the best soldier in the history of battle school and won nothing. Mike Brown as coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers had the best player in the history of the NBA on his team and won nothing. As a fan of the Cleveland Cavaliers, I will now stick my head in an oven.